Sylvia loved laundry day. She would most always watch me as I gathered up everything, then when I would bring it back dried, she would follow me into the bedroom jumping up on the bed before I ever made it there. Then I would pour it out and fluff it and she would jump in. She equally loved jeans too but never liked to dig in like she did with the towels. With jeans she just curled up on them and went to sleep.
I use to tiptoe over after she was sleeping, gently laying next to her on the bed. She would stretch her hands towards me curling her head under, purring. Sometimes I would fall asleep laying next to her for an hour or two, waking up later, only to tiptoe away again.
I didn't know if Lars would want to jump in like he most always did or shy away because it would be too much for him.
It was such a "them" thing.
Most always he had to curl up against her before going to sleep. He was that way generally. Either he slept on me, slept on her, or next to one of us. Rarely at night was he off by himself. It was so wonderful to witness, that love they had for each other, and me.
When Dino became a part of our lives, Sylvia adopted him and ended up sleeping against his feet at the foot of the bed with either Lars next to her or with me.
When I finished the laundry and I was loading it into the basket my heart sank. Bringing it up to the apartment was harder then I thought it would be. When I got to the bedroom, I poured it out as usual laying the folded pants at the foot of the bed and the towels up by my pillow.
He didn't budge.
My heart sank both at the though he would never have that experience again and that I would lose such an important bond with not just Sylvia but with Lars too. I decided to do something I rarely did. I went over picking him up and carrying him to the bed. He immediately moved on to the jeans settling in for a good clean and then nap. I laid there with him for as long as I could stand the pain. He stayed, napping and just hanging out for a good part of the evening.
I so wanted him to enjoy laundry day because he had slipped into a hard depression earlier in the day. He misses his sister.
I have tried to maintain the before bed ritual with him too. I feel it is so important for him; and for me. Last night was no exception. I told him "OK it's time for bed." I had already did his food and water just like I did ever night, scooped to box too. Then I brushed and flossed my teeth.
Sylvia loved to watch me brush and floss and she loved watching me do their food and water. Most every night she would follow me into the kitchen and watch as I washed out their bowls, filling them again. I always did the water first, then the food. When I had filled the food dish I would bring it over, setting it down in front of her and her brother, who, by that time, had made his way in too. The look on her face melted my heart every night. There was such tenderness and love in her eyes.
After I was done, I would scoop their box, washing my hands afterwards, then brush and floss. She would always be there with me when I did. When I was done she would meow and purr, rubbing up against me until I would get done on my knees so I could be next to her. I always got down on their level. It was so important to me to be a part of their lives down there as they were a part of mine.
After going to bed last night I laid awake thinking of my baby girl and how resilient the pain of losing her is. I fell asleep when Lars curled up into my arms.
A few hours later I woke up, my chest so tight that I could not breath. I know what an anxiety attack feels like and I knew that this was no anxiety attack. Thanks to my childhood experiences, I have become intimately acquainted with them over the last 10 years or so. I laid there with Lars thinking, am I actually having a heart attack. After a while my chest did let go some and I was able to cough some. For the next hour or so I struggled to breath, coughing up liquid from deep in my lungs. It finally calmed down just before Dino got home.
Afterwards, I wondered, can intense grief actually liquify, settling in a persons lungs?
I am still wondering.
As I sit here before leaving out to work, my son has again sequestered himself in one of their many forts. The one his is in now I call the Loft. It was exclusively his. Sylvia and Lars had many places they shared but the Loft was never one of them.
Both Dino and I have gone over to him, stroking him, telling him we love him; but he will not respond. I guess there are going to be moments like this.
I had a long talk with the vet about Sylvia. Asking him questions that had come up in my mind once the shock had worn off. We talked about Lars too and the fact that has and is exhibiting some of the same symptoms as she did. The vet wants to see him next week.
I am scared but I know I need to do this for Lars. If there is a chance that he has the same thing as Sylvia I want to do everything I can to help him through it.
The thought of losing him too is more than I can handle.
I miss my girl so much. Everything I do, everywhere I go, she is there. She was a part of everything in my life.
I have to get ready for work now.
More rituals gone.
My precious baby girl will not be with me as I get dressed.
She'll not be there in the hall purring, waiting to say good bye.
I will not be able to knee down to make that fort between my legs so she could curl up into it, purring so loudly that you could hear her in the other room.
And she will not be there when I get home, waiting to do our walk down the hall like we did every time I got home.
My heart hurts so bad.
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