I am a fucking mess!
And not like I have been in the past either. OK, well a lot like I was in the past. But just different.
I have never really seen myself as a together guy. Oh, I put up a good front. For years I made it look like I knew what I was doing. I was in a long term relationship. Held down a good job. I even graduated Summa in college.
But I wasn't really fooling anyone, especially me.
I have always been on the outside, looking in. Wanting to be a part of something. Anything, really. When I went in to recovery I finally felt like I had arrived, become part of a healing community. Then the outside looking in bit took over again. I suppose it was because I didn't open up, didn't take a chance, didn't reach out. Even though I was desperately needing to.
Then we got the kids.
And slowly I did start to open up. To take risks. To allow love to come into my heart in a way that I never had before. I was ready and I suppose they knew it. They were ready too, waiting to be loved, wanting to be loved. To be a part of a family. And that is what I created for them.
Lars is looking for his sister again. Sniffing around, going to all of her favorite places.
My heart is breaking as I watch him.
I am a mess now because I can not seem to do anything right.
One of my neighbors said she was so sorry to hear about Sylvia. Before I realized it I had said, "I loved her to death."
Ironic that I said that. A true Freudian slip.
I suppose there is a part of me that believes that is true. Believes that I am toxic. That I will eventually destroy anything that I touch.
I have come up against this before. Many times.
I wonder, is it really possible to love someone to death?
Part of the mess thing is that I am also shutting down. It has been happening since Sylvia died. I remember during those first few days there were times when my breathing gradually slowed down as if I was dying. I remember, I was aware of it too, in the moment. And I didn't fight it. It just felt so natural.
I can feel myself shutting down emotionally as well. Just like how my breath did. It also seems so very natural. I hide it well. Or I would like to think I do. I suspect though many people can see right through my facade. Especially if they look closely.
Generally, I have just painted on smile here, a laugh there, maybe some self deprecating humor. It's all just a front. Just an act.
But who am I doing it for?
Hell if I know.
What is the old saying; "Act as if until it is."
I am trying to act as if. As if I am dealing with her death. As if I am grieving, or at least starting to. But in reality I just do not see it that way. Every time I watch Lars looking that way, searching in vain, my heart dies just a little but more. Every time I have to engage in a special "them" thing with just Lars, I breath just a little more shallow.
I have to say I am fascinated by all of this in a weird sort of way. It is an experience I have never really had before. I have, as I wrote before, lost many many people in my life; but for some reason this is different, unlike anything I have gone through before.
So, will I survive?
It's anyones guess.
Because really, I do not know.
What does it mean if I do not survive?
I do not know the answer to that one either.
I suppose the answers to all of these questions and more will become apparent when they do.
Until then, I think I'll just keep writing.
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