He has woken up and has come up onto my lap now as I write.
I realized this morning that Sylvia was the light we all gravitated to. She was the energy that held us all together.
And now that light is gone.
I'm petting Lars and listening to him purr wondering what is he thinking right now? Wondering how deep is his pain? Wondering does he understand?
Last night as he and I were getting ready for bed I watched as he went around the apartment looking for his sister, sitting near to her favorite places, sometimes staring as if he was looking at her. They say that this is normal for a grieving cat, to hang out at all of the places where their siblings use to be; but it is killing me, slowly, and assuredly, it is killing me to watch. Yet I do. I do because I need to bear witness to his grief just as I use to bear witness to their lives with each other.
I try to make eye contact with Lars as much as possible. That really has never been a problem either. He has always been an eye contact laid back sort of guy. That's why I nicknamed him my Homo Vegan Hippie Boy. I always tell people that I can picture him being right at home, hanging out in the Haight, with a joint, saying "Hey Man".
Last night when Dino got home he struggled to keep it altogether again. His grief is deep and unending. After he was able to ground himself somewhat we laid together in bed, holding each other, and talking about Sylvia, about all her quirks; and she had many of them too. That was what made her an amazing being. Her energy, her uniqueness, her constant unconditional love. She always knew she had the knack to make us laugh just by turning her head in a goofy way or doing something unexpected; and she used it endlessly.
I just can't take the pain of losing her.
It is just too much to bear.
I wanted to cry this morning but I do not have any tears left. Just the unending pain. I am starting to feel guilty now too. Was there something I missed, something I could have done, was there a way to reverse, or stop whatever it was that was slowly killing her? The doctor feels it was heart disease that was the issue and that there was not any real and effective treatment that would have corrected the problem. He said treatment would have just prolonged her life for a while; but it would not have been a quality or pain free one. He also told me shortly after she had died that many of his patients owners had said that they would have preferred their kids to have gone early instead of having to watch as they slowly declined into a painful and prolonged death. Sylvia's was quick, only 5 hours of real agony, of being separated from her brother and us.
In those last moments of her life when they had grabbed her from my arms to try and save her life, she turned and I turned, and we both looked at each other as I left; our eyes meeting for the last time, for one brief moment. That look keeps flashing back into my head, her scared bright eyes and harried look. Panic stricken. As I sit here writing about it, my heart feels as if it is going to explode.
I never even got to say goodbye.
All I have is just that last look.
My heart is breaking. The pain is just too much for me to bear.
I haven't been able to eat since Monday. I have tried. Dino fixed me oatmeal that first morning and he sat with me, feeding me a bit of it at a time. I got a few bites down but that was all I could do. My friends Jenn and Hana have been here too bringing food and trying to help me eat something; but I just can't. And that has been true since Monday afternoon. My body just will not accept food in any real quantity. I was able to eat some cold cereal and a P and J last night. I thought maybe comfort food would work. But I struggled to keep it down all night long. And now I have a small bowl of half eaten oatmeal sitting next to me.
Since I have been writing here I have been trying to take a bit here and and a bit there, knowing that my body needs something to sustain itself, and so far it's been OK. But I don't think I can eat anymore. In a way it just doesn't seem right to eat anyways.
I have to go back to work tomorrow but I do not want to. I don't feel I can handle seeing other people even though they have been amazingly supportive. I'm just not strong enough. But I have to. And I will.
Dino and I talked about making sure that Lars is not left alone for very long. He and I are trying to arrange our schedules but that will only work until next week. Then Lars will have to be on his own. That will kill me. To think he will be here without his sister. That was the reason my ex and I got siblings in the first place, because we didn't want to have our new cat be lonely like Vester was when he was with us.
But now, Lars is alone anyways.
I wanted to grow old with my kids, to watch them as they matured, bearing witness to their full and happy life. I wanted them to see me progress in my recovery too. To become the person I am striving to be. I wanted them to experience what it means for me to be my True Self.
They were there for me and with me through the intensely rough times just after I woke up to the abuse. They were there during the times when I wasn't sure I would make it into the next day let alone into the next week. They were there, sitting with me, loving me, helping me to be sane when being that was constantly in question. I wanted them to see me happy, truly happy. I wanted them to experience me in full recovery, the kind of recovery that seems to be just over the horizon.
But she is gone.
And I am devastated.
Sitting here now I just do not know what to do or where to go.
I am lost without her.
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