I am yet again faced with the cunning and baffling nature of the legacy of my abusive past. Yet again I am trying desperately to remain grounded in the face of overwhelming odds. I have reached a point in my life where I am feeling utterly lost and confused. It is really amazing to me how in one month, one week, sometimes even in one day I can lose all perspective on my recovery and my life. This is an all to common occurrence for me lately. In some moments it is just the promise of what recovery means that is baffling to me; confusing me to no end. But sometimes it is the reality of that promise that rattles my brain, making illusion reality and vice versa.
Lately though I have begun feeling like a dog with an invisible collar, stuck in a yard with an invisible fence. The promise of my recovery or its illusion/reality states that there is no fence nor is there a collar. That I am capable of moving outside the yard. That the whole world is there, waiting like a pearl, for me to grab hold of, so that I can experience it's beauty and awe. Then in a cruel twist of fate, when I start to truly believe, the illusion becomes reality and then reforms as illusion again, all in a flash of a second, all as I begin venturing out, testing the boundaries of my existence. Holding up the promise as I go, I wonder, is it really an illusion or is it reality? Then once I get to the boundaries of my territory illusion shifts into reality and I get shocked by the electric fence that I have been promised does not exist. In some ways I feel that this exercise in futility on my part is all a very cruel joke but in others ways it just seems very very sad.
I can say with all honesty that I have worked my ass off trying to recover from my abusive childhood. Everyone who truly knows me can affirm that I have pulled out all the stops, tried common and not so common methods, all in an effort to regain my life and attain some degree of happiness. I have tried singular things and/or combined multiple programs, attained a degree of spirituality, found and fostered a connection to a power greater than myself, all in the name of recovery. But here I sit, in the middle of the night, as baffled and confused as ever. It is times like these that it all seems for naught. That this promise I have been led to believe exists for me is in fact just another myth, another illusion, like a mirage in the middle of the desert.
It feels especially true in the face of yet another failed dating experience, one where I have learned some very sobering things about myself. Things that I was not ready or prepared to deal with.
It is now at this very moment that I am wondering; is it really worth all of the effort.
Am I really ever going to get out of this dam yard?
At this point from where I sit I am having my doubts.
It had occurred to me as I was writing in my journal earlier that maybe it is a perception problem on my part. That maybe it is just all about me needing to accept that fact of the yard, the collar, and the electric fence. That maybe I just need to make my little piece of territory the best I can. That maybe it is really just about finding happiness within what I have readily available to me now. That the real promise of a fenceless yard, where I will be able to roam freely, is in fact just an illusion; at least in my case.
Maybe that is where my real problem lies.
Or then maybe not.
That is at it's very base the cunning and very baffling nature of my ongoing recovery, It is that fundamental question; what is reality and what is just an illusion.
I can say at this moment, in the quiet of the night, I haven't a clue in the world.
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