Summer Days

The windows are all open.  A warm sweet breeze is flowing in.  The birds are singing.  And my neighbors are playing salsa.  Quietly for a change.  LOL  As I sit here enjoying what is for the most part a rarity here in the City I have been looking back over some of my blogs since I started writing them in late 2009.  This is not something I do on a regular basis.  Usually I write them, publish them, post them on Facebook, and move on.  My wallowing was motivated in part by a conversation I had at lunch today with my friend James.  We were chatting about his impending move to Barcelona in a month and he was telling me that he had started a blog to chronicle his new adventure.  I told him I had been writing one since 2009 and he asked me to send him the link.  Anyways, that is the brief explanation of why I am wasting my time perusing my past postings.  That sounded a little too cliche.  Too many p's I think.  Sorry.
As I read back, especially the ones from 2009, all I can say is WOW.  That is in no way a narcissistic statement on my part.  Far from it.  I am reacting to the level of emotion, pain, and sometimes clarity that is laced through almost all of my posts.  Ones like from Phoenix Rising where my life is crumbling around me, not knowing that in just a few short days my precious baby girl would be taken from me.  And the posts following her death.  The ones I hope some day to craft into a short story; but not yet.  They are all a chronicling of my journey.  That amazing, challenging, and organic path towards true health and happiness I seem to be on.  I have to say I do miss my girl.  She was the embodiment of unconditional love.  And her zest for life was unmatched.  She was my touchstone and my how to guide for being present.  I even experienced what my therapist called a "State of Grace" with her; where I was hyper present in my body, where the only thing that existed was the eternal present.  Even 2 1/2 years after her death I still grieve deeply for her.  And I still blame myself for her death.  Most nights, after I have turned the lights out, pulled the covers up around my neck, and nestled into the warmth, I still lay my hand lovingly on the pillow next to me where she slept, saying "Good night baby girl".   I can feel my eyes tearing up as I write.  It is these summer days that remind me of what is at stake here, what my recovery is  really all about.  The symbolism of walking the path.   The feeling of my emotions.  And the maintaining of my heart centered connections with my community.   There are days when I feel like all the work I have done is worth it.
Then there are the nights.  Those darkened moments were the insanity abounds, taking over my senses and my body.  I had one of those 4 days ago.  Where everything becomes so convoluted that logic and reason become incomprehensible.  I tried to explain it to my therapist during my last session.  I said it was like taking the simple concept of how a faucet works, turning it inside out and flipping it on it's head.  Logic and reason don't come into it; but that is where I exist in those moments.   Unsettling you ask?  Hell yes.  In those moments I actually think I am going insane.  It's like a dementia patient who knows something is wrong with their in the moment reality but at the same time can't escape it.  The duality of it all is nerve racking for me.  Just as I imagine it is for them.  Actually I can imagine it.  My Mom, who is in mid dementia, has said as much to me in her more lucid moments.    Anyways, I seem to be straying a bit here.  And stop laughing.  This is not yet another sign of my, shall we say, less lucid moments.  I was talking about my blog posts.  And summer.  And breezes.  And emotions.  Ahhhh, that is why I have strayed.  Feeling my emotions.  Ok, I'm back!   Emotions, the one thing that is the most challenging for me yet the most fruitful.  Let me explain the challenge this way; I was in a room full of people yesterday when two of them, who were facing me, got up to leave.  Whatever it was, whether it was the way they moved, the color of their clothes, or something else unknown, it triggered a panic attack in me.  Some of the others in the room who were leaving were very supportive and I was able to eventually ground myself after a while in part because a good friend sat with me outside rubbing my back.  Did I say I have the most amazing friends?  Emotions, yep, they can be a challenge; but what a way to live!!!  Feeling the emotions of a beautiful summer day, of being present in my body, feeling the breeze brush against my skin, smelling the sweet aroma of the earth as I water the garden.  To taste the complexities of a great lunch shared with a friend.  Did I say my taste buds are becoming more sensitive.  Another fantastic side effect of my recovery.  Yes, summer days can be the best days ever.  Until I hear the crunch of newly fallen snow under my feet as I stroll, on a still winter's night, watching the flakes falling gently from the sky.  Yes, life is good!!