Transformation

When I was getting ready for bed I was thinking about why I have been in such a dark place lately and how it has affected my daily existence. I have, especially in the last two months, been very scared about just how dark I have become. I do wonder how I got here and why or whether the recent events of the last nine months or so were meant to bring me here, but they have; albeit not in a linear way. To say that this event, then that one, each happening, one after another, like marching ants,was God's work would just be too simplistic of an explanation. If I were it would be like to saying that a ray of light is just that; a ray of light. When in reality it is infinite bits of a rainbow of colors that have converged in the moment to become something rare and awe inspiring. The Pointallist's had it right when they applied a single dot of color on the canvass. That dot, when combined with a multitude of other dots, created a work of art, each dot representing a microcosm of the world around them.

I read somewhere once that nothing in this life is linear, we only happen to mark the passage of time that way.

My friends which I will not name have been extremely supportive. Listening with their heart open, loving me even when I couldn't find a way to love myself. Or more aptly put, have compassion and empathy for those parts of me who have kept me isolated from life since childhood. It isn't their fault though. Far from it. They, my Egos, those parts of me that are the intermediaries, had the best of intentions in the beginning. They wanted to protect me, they wanted me to survive the horror that was my childhood. They knew, quite rightly, that if they didn't put me away in a place that was far removed from the reality of my childhood, I would quite simply die, or go insane. The big E's were acting in my best interest.

The problem now is that they have never got that my childhood is over, that the very real threat that prompted them to act is now over.

The memories of my experiences however are, as they say, still for the most part being held onto by my tissues. Issues in the tissues is the old saying. The thought has occurred to me that the big E's may be protecting me just as fiercely from recovering the memories as they did from my experiencing the actual acts. I can't blame them if they are. Recovering memories for me is no walk in the park. They can be almost as bad as the actual experience, albeit decades removed. My friends who are closest to me have seen just how bad recovering them can be too.

This past weekend I was asked by my mentor to, each morning, get down on my knees and ask my Higher Power for help. As you can imagine I have been very reluctant to, shall I say, get down on my knees for the purpose of prayer; no pun intended. It is at the very least a gesture of letting go. Of asking for help. The big E's are not pleased. They feel that they do not need help. Nor for that matter guidance either. They know what is best; or so they think.

But in reality help is exactly what they and I need. I asked them tonight as I was getting ready for bed, do you really want to do this forever; to be on guard 24/7, no sleep, no rest, with not even a second of down time.

Crickets is all I heard. No answer. Not even an emmm. Just crickets.

I do understand why they do not want to answer. Or even acknowledge the question. They feel that they are doing this also in my best interest. And I suppose that they think they will die, that we will die, if they even entertain the thought of letting go, just for an instant. But they will not. Nor will I. This is the transforming power that recovery can be. That instead of death there will just be change, gradual, slow, plodding, change.

This was what I was thinking about tonight. How can the big E's get that a power greater than us can actually restore us to sanity. That standing down does not automatically mean death for them or for me. It won't be easy. But if we are at least willing to entertain the possibility, that will, shall I say, a non-linear step in the right direction.

Trust.

Trust in the transformative power of letting go and letting Goddess.