How did I get here

This is a very surreal moment in my life. I feel as if I just woke up in the midst of an alternative reality, a reality that is at its base fundamentally different yet essentially the same. Looking around, everything seems to be the same, like my apartment, my garden, and the neighborhood I live in. The same goes for the car I drive, the clothes I wear, and the job I go to most every day. However, none of it feels right. Nor is it the same.

This kind of reminds me of an episode of The Outer Limits. I can hear the intro now; there is nothing wrong with your television set...do not attempt to adjust the picture...we will control the horitzontal...we will control the vertical.... This is the way my life feels in the moment and no amount of shaking my head or rubbing my eyes will change it. It really is very disorientating for me and I don't know what to make of it.

In my quieter moments, when I turn the volume down, I can actually hear my own voice mumbling over and over again, WTF.

I remember once many years ago a guy saying that each moment of our life is in reality a unique convergence of energies that shine bright, focused into a single powerful point of light.

Hmmmm. Sounds to me like the guy had been eating a few too many special brownies.

Yet, I suppose, if I think about it maybe it could be actually true; even without the aid of.....

I think I would prefer the brownies instead.

So I guess it's time to ask, how did I get here?

Good question.

There's a game I like to play sometimes. It's called; If someone would have told me. It goes something like this:

If someone would have told me 10 years ago that in January 2010 I would be sitting here blogging about my life I would have said, your crazy.

If someone would have told me 5 years ago that my precious baby girl would be dead, I would have said your crazy and cruel to even suggest that.

If someone had told me 1 year ago that I would now be privy to knowledge about myself that would forever change my life and my perceptions of myself, I would have probably never spoken to that person again.

Yet here I am.

Exactly at that point.

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how wicked our creators sense of humor really is.

Sometimes, I even wonder if they are sitting out there, somewhere in the cosmos, laughing their collective asses off, saying how funny is that.

From where I sit; not so funny.

So where do I go from here and more importantly what do I do with it all?

Hell if I know.