Labels and the State of Being

At the best of times it is extremely difficult for me to be present in my body for any length of time.  I know that this is about the legacy of my insane childhood and it's effects on my body then and now.  My Yoga teacher Darren defines it as "issues in the tissues."   

It is a fact that my body has held on to the trauma of my childhood and that it has had a profound effect on my life.  On any given day my trauma rears its ugly head in a number of different ways.  It may be pain, muscle spasms, frightening visuals, and/or full on body memories.  Recently in the wee hours of the morning I had a full on body memory accompanied by both visuals and audio lasting for a full twenty minutes before subsiding.   It took a huge toll on my body and it took my body weeks to recovery from it.  I can sit here and say unequivocally that my daily life is effected in a very real way by the trauma of my childhood and it is difficult for me to deal with.  

So last week my therapist asked me to write about who I am beside the legacy of my childhood.   I get why he wants me to do this.  Its all about separating the Then for the Now and about my ability to live my life instead of just existing.   I have actually done this in my head many times before I just haven't ever written it down.  Maybe this will do the trick.

So who am I?  

I am many things and I am nothing.  (The word nothing scares me.)  

There are things I do like gardening, writing, and even the occasional whip around with a feather duster.  (I got that last one from my favorite Brit Com.)  But does that make me a gardener or a writer or even a house cleaner?  Or are these just labels?  

What if I answer it by saying, what do I feel?  For instance, do I feel like a gardener or is gardening just an escape?  Do I feel like a writer or even a house cleaner for that matter?  The answer for writing is yes; however, so much of it is rooted in my childhood experiences that the lines between Then and Now often blur quite a bit.   What about a house cleaner then?  I just don't do enough of it to even be qualified to answer that one.

So could it be that I am just a series of labels or do I actually have real meaning?  I guess I would have to go back to what I said early.  

I am many things and I am nothing.  

When I first wrote that phrase I was afraid that nothing literally meant, nothing; that I was devoid of any true meaning.  But that is not true.  I get it now.   Nothing actually means everything.  It means the labels are the ones that lack real substance not me.  I get that it means my life is really all about "being" not "doing".  That very minute of every day is all about "being" present in my body not just active in my body.

So then who am I?

I am my breath.

I am my heart beat.

I am the blood that courses through my veins.