A Day and A Night

This period of my life seems to be one of great change.  I have been and continue to be profoundly challenged in ways that I could not have imagined were even possible just months ago.  This is not to say I am complaining.  I'm not.  I find, laying within these challenges, self awareness at depths I have previously never known.  Though I have to say looking at myself, with the proverbial warts and all, is rather disconcerting on the best of days.  

I have never been very fond of looking too closely at myself, whether it be in the mirror in my bathroom or the mirror of someone else's eyes.  This may be why there has never really been a very good photograph taken of me.  Yes, there have been some that I and others have liked, but generally when I am photographed I tend to come out looking like a cross between a mannequin and a deer caught in headlights.  Especially if I am posing for it.  I definitely feel that there are other issues influencing this outcome and as traumatic as they may have been,  I still feel that it is my inability to look squarely at myself that is the root cause of these unflattering pictures.  

I took a photography class while in college as one of my two "out of major" art classes.  I remember the teacher pulling me aside about half way through the semester.  She was quite concerned for my welfare.  I didn't understand at the start of our little talk why she felt it necessary to intrude into my private life.  After all she was just my photography teacher for the a couple of semesters and that was it.  I would probably never even see her again.   It was about half way through our talk that I started to catch on.   She began to explain the significance of my subject matter and how it was very telling about who I was on the inside.  In every one of my pictures she seemed to see things that I had submerged, denied, and generally ran from for the whole of my adult life.  "A photo never lies."  An adage that is so often said, but in my case was all too true.  I started looking at things differently after that; at art, at photography, and even at drawings, trying to glean what it was she was trying to say.   In hindsight that was probably a good choice on my part since I was an Art History major.  Have to say too I got some really good essays out of this new point of view.  What I didn't get was the ability to see myself more clearly.  As a matter of fact I turned this on it's head and began trying to figure out how to, shall we say, close this gaping loop hole, into my inner self.  Whether I was successful is a matter of debate.  I believed I was; and for many years too.

This is why I am being challenged so deeply these days.  Lately, my layers of denial that were so evident in those photographs all those years ago, are seemingly being stripped away at a quickening pace and for once I'm glad of it.  But believe me when I say, it is not all kittens chasing butterflies in the meadow; by any stretch of the imagination.  It is hard, grueling, and often very very painful.  The benefits though are tremendous because I am now seeing myself more clearly and honestly then I ever have before.  

I look forward now to those moments when I am being photographed.  Mostly because I am anxious to see if there are any perceptible change that the picture may reveal about my life and my progress.   And yes, admittedly, most of the photographs taken of me still suck big time.  But that's fine too because I'm not longing for sea changes.  I'm just looking for a little bit more of me sticking out around the edges, peaking out bright eyed at the beautiful world from the other side of someone else's camera lens.