It seems too that on these warm days everyone likes to drive with their windows open. Driving then becomes not only a point to point run, but a way to ease drop on everyones conversation in the cars around you. NOT that I do that. I do have to say though it is almost impossible not to when you are at a stop light and the car beside you has 4 Forty something rather gay looking bears in it, all carrying on a loud conversation over the din of dance music. But I digress. This post is not about stolen conversations over heard at stop lights. It is about me finally realizing that I am where I want to be, both figuratively and realistically. The aforementioned conversation only served as a catapult of sorts for my emotional journey on the way home this afternoon.
My immediate reaction to the car full of bears was one of loss, loss of not having a life where I am in a car full of friends going somewhere to do one thing or another. Sitting with that is not fun on any day let alone one where it is as beautiful as today. However, as fast as that reaction happened, a bunch of new ones came along for the ride. Ones of flashbacks where I am in a car full of friends going somewhere to do something. Of years worth of social events such as the one that I suspect the bears were on their way to have.
As much as wish not to admit it to myself, I am fast approaching 56 years old. This is not significant in an age way. Quite the contrary. This is about acknowledging all the years that have come before. Granted, I have struggled for a number of years regarding my childhood issues and these struggles have over shadowed the rest of my life a times. However, lately I have been finding my feet sort of speak. I have though this nagging voice in the back of my head, one that sounds very much like my therapist's voice, saying, you need to get out more, do more things, make new friends, get into a relationship, get a life! No, he didn't actually tell me to get a life. That was my own invention. He does though push me to do all of the other things. All of which are laudable endeavors in their own right, but are they what I need, right now. Sure, I tend to isolate at times, but I am always conscious of the fact that the flip side of isolation is solitude. And let me tell you, I NEED solitude. It is one of the most healthy activities that I can engage in, that and gardening, writing, and napping. Did I tell you I will be 56 in a few months? Anyways, that was the revelation I had in the car this afternoon. That I do not need all of those things. Why? Because I did them all before. I have done the insanely busy social schedule routine. I have been in a long term relationship. I have made new friends. so many at one time that I could not find the time to hang out with them. The overriding fact that I became aware in the car today was that I have always dreamed of having a casual life, one where I sleep in if I can, have a putter in the garden, have long and wonderful brunches with friends, or go to the symphony, a movie, or a play with them. All at a pace of ease and grace.
I was talking to my friend Guido a few days ago about just this very thing. I called it the Art of Doing Very Little Slowly. Ok, I did swipe that phrase from one of my Brit Coms. I do that and I'm not ashamed of it!! And, you can wipe that horrified look off your faces too. It's not a bad thing, doing very little slowly. In fact, it can be wonderful. As a matter of fact I have dreamed about this all my working life. Where I can get to a time when I can relax, take it easy, enjoy life with my established friends and my new friends. Where I can rebel against the dictates of time and schedule. Admittedly, I still have to work; but that doesn't mean that I can't still enjoy taking my time doing the things that spiritually feed me. Sometimes I think I have lived a previous life in Italy. Where life is lived as an art form. Where coffee with friends lasts an entire afternoon and where dinners are events, not an excuse to check our e mail while we eat a pre prepared microwaved dinner we bought at Safeway. I am learning the art of doing very little slowing. And not that it doesn't mean I will not be social, it just means that I will be, but with meaning. That I will cherish time spent socializing as much as I do time spent lazing around my apartment in my jammies on a warm afternoon after working in the garden. Life, I am realizing, is a gift. One that is to be cherished, sought after, and savored. It isn't about quantity, but quality! Quality in thought, word, and deed. This is why being present is so important for me in my recovery. For me, quality comes from connecting, and connecting comes from my ability to be present. I do still struggle with that and at times I get a bit overwhelmed with the lack of it; but, in the end those struggles just makes the times when I am more present all the more meaningful. Quality over quantity and learning the art of doing very little slowly. I think I'll take a nap now.
